Catalog

Presents... THE PORRIDGE WARS!

The Dwarf Civil War of 1070

For many years, the Dwarf Kingdoms have coexisted peacefully. Although they competed economically, they always remembered their common ancestry and so inter-kingdom conflicts were always peaceful ones.

Every year for the Feast of St. Gruel, the Dwarf patron saint of breakfast cereals, all the Dwarf Kings would congregate in the ancestral meeting hall, Koh-Z Dihn-R, to brag about the previous year's successes, and to discuss plans for the future. It was here, during the Great Feeding of 1070, that the trouble began.

<< King Kel-Og aboard his flagship, the ironclad "Delectable".

Although history is somewhat vague on the actual cause, verbal tradition has it that it all started during a conversation between King Pozst of the Iron Dwarves, and King Kel-Og of the Granite Clan, during the Great Feeding. The conversation went something like this...

POZST: Damn fine year for us Iron Dwarves, you know. Finally settled that trade agreement with those pretentious Sea Elves. How did things go for the Granite Clan, Kel-Og?

KEL-OG: Well, Pozst, quite well. Profits are up almost 50% over the previous year, and I am using the proceeds to remodel Castle Og. Say, it looks like breakfast is finally here. Porridge! My favorite!

POZST: Mine too!

KEL-OG: Mmmmm... Nothing better than a steaming bowl of porridge, I always say. (Tastes porridge.) Sprrrtttt! Say, THIS PORRIDGE IS COLD! Who dares serve King Kel-Og a bowl of cold porridge?!?

POZST: Hey, settle down there! The Dwarves of Iron Mountain love cold porridge. There's no better way to eat the stuff!

KEL-OG: Eating cold porridge? Sir, you are a barbarian of the first order!

POZST: What! It is you who are the barbarian, delighting in warm porridge! Why, you are no better then the lowest of the low.

KEL-OG: How dare you, you mendicant!

POZST: No one calls me a mendicant and gets away with it, you jerk!

KEL-OG: Oh yeah! Well you're beard is a home for wombats, plus you smell funny!

POZST: Shut-up, Goblin bait!

KEL-OG: Right! That's it. Let all who are here know that the Dwarves of the Granite Clan declare war on the Iron Dwarves! Once we have soundly trounced you and your pathetic family, Pozst, we will force you to eat porridge the right way - warm!

POZST: Says you, you old fart. I'll be force feeding you cold porridge once me and my lads have crushed your pathetic army!

And with that, the entire meeting hall broke out into a frenzy of insults and fisticuffs, as each King sided with either Pozst or Kel-Og. Before the day was done, armies were being mustered and battle plans laid, as the Dwarf Civil War of 1070, also known as the Porridge Wars, began.

King Pozst in the tower of Castle Peaz >>

While the Porridge Wars were a time of great loss and strife for the Dwarf Kingdoms, they did see amazing advances in military science and technology. Fought on land, sea, and even in the air, fantastic new war machines were being turned out at an incredible pace. Although it is estimated that the Dwarves as a race lost about 50% of their male population during the Wars, their new war machines have more than made up for the loss of manpower. During the recent Sea Elf raids, the new Dwarf Ironclads were able to hold off an invading fleet of nearly double their size.

One of the bloodiest engagements of the Porridge Wars was fought between Kings Kel-Og and Pozst and their fleets near the Iron Dwarf fortress on the Isle of Peaz. If you would like to know more about this bloody battle, click on one of the the links below.

The Battle for Isle of Peaz

Blockade Run!

If you would like to know more about the Porridge Wars, and how it was fought, then click on the link below.

Information on the Porridge Wars